It is shocking to discover during counseling that couples find it so hard to accept their personality differences and I have seen couples who in the last 30 years have struggled with this. How we expect someone who had an entirely different background and upbringing as well as personality to measure up to our expectations remains a mystery to me.
So far, we have looked at the first two personality types and how your temperament can affect or influence your communication style. We established in our last edition that while the intimidating hummer has a blunt and commanding communication style, the creative convertible, otherwise known as sanguine, has got a diplomatic and romantic communication style which often gets them into trouble with their spouses as well as other people, because they often say what they don’t mean and they mean what they don’t say. For example, he/she can meet you for the first time and by the second meeting is already expressing how much he misses you. While that is a problem for their spouse, who is wondering how he could be missing someone he just met, it could also spell doom for the new acquaintance if you dwell on it because they also have over 20 other people they have said that to.
3. Dependable Truck(Phlegmatic) – The third type of personality you encounter in marriage is the truck who speaks less, but acts more. He/she is naturally withdrawn and introverted, but very effective and dependable. The greatest challenge you may have with him/her is that they procrastinate a lot, so it takes time for them to say what they want to say, especially in decision making. I was speaking with a very passionate sister and she expressed her frustration at how her man hasn’t decided on what she wanted to do for over 3 years. That is the signature of the truck. Their communication style is very controlled and highly disciplined and they have a warm non-verbal communication style. Their environment is very warm and they are hardly confrontational, but they can hold grudges in a relationship. One thing you must learn as one who is married to this person is never to shout or rush them into what they don’t want to do. They may start slowly, but you can be sure they will finish up whatever they have started. With them, you may not really have to worry about faithfulness except you have created a hostile environment which can make them withdraw. Study them and correct them in love and with low stones. Don’t shout or publicly correct them because they may not fully recover from that because they are highly sensitive people. Speak highly of them and appreciate their commitment to get the best out of them.
4. Systematic Ford(Melancholy) – Ever met a man who complains about a razor tongued,
perfectionist and pessimistic wife? Then, you can be sure that guy is married to a systematic ford. The ford is not as emotional and a core perfectionist, so they say things the way they are without any form of diplomacy anywhere they find themselves and that is why people often have a lot of issues with them and they hardly have so many friends.
He/she believes the world should be perfect, so they can’t seem to come to terms with a spouse that is disorganized like the convertible (who they usually marry in most cases). They can’t understand why they need to publicly or even privately express love by verbalizing it and they could be rigid in their conclusions such that they have not feelings for what happens to the other person. Naturally, they have low self-esteem, which makes them averse to sharing what belongs to them, hence their quest to choke whosoever they are married to.
If you are married to this person, don’t be offended at their bluntness and don’t live a double standard life in your quest to please them. You must see them as your baby that needs to be nurtured. It will take time and you may need to do it on their own terms, but once they get it right, they never change as well. So, learn to wear a bullet proof jacket to deal with their bluntness and cultivate yourself to become a father who is never moved by how they say what they say. Their communication could also sound negative because they process things from what could go wrong as against what could work, but see that as a check on you to be sure that you haven’t overlooked any details in your conclusions.
Love them unconditionally and the moment you accept them for who they are, you have just unlocked the key to winning them forever.
What is your personality type and how has it affected your communication in marriage? Always remember that it is not sufficient to talk to people the way we want to talk; we must address them the way they love to be addressed.
To be continued…
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