These are critical questions begging for answers but as someone who has worked with troubled families over the years and been through the good, the bad and the ugly side of life myself I have learnt over time that what breaks down a marriage is not what happened in marriage alone; a lot of marriages became broken the moment broken people stepped into a union that whole people should have contracted.
The bigger question is who exactly is whole then and who is broken?
Many of us grew up being dysfunctional not because our parents are wicked but because they also did the best they could with what they thought was best without knowing how much they actually killed our originality.
Take for example a child who grew up under a mean father who would shut him up and slap him at the slightest provocation with his mother powerless to rescue him. His interpretation of life and conflict resolution may be different from someone with a balanced parent. Please note that this guy may grow into a teenager looking for love and in the absence of true love may delve into sex, drugs and all sorts of self sabotaging behavior which may appear to him like ‘feel good exercises’ just to survive.
Now note that this same guy may lead his class, graduate and get a good job and if he a powerful dresser with a lot of swags will get the best babe in town. He may not see the need for a counselor or a psychologist because he doesn’t really see any big deal in what he is doing. Now imagine this guy attracting a lady with pains as well in her life but has distinguished herself in her career? Everyone would assume they are both ok and the guy would assume that he has got all it takes to take care of the lady afterall his dream was to become the opposite of his father.
However, he doesn’t know that he has activated a system that would make him end up like if not worse than his father. Now this guy is going to manifest unthinkable patterns in marriage that would make everyone perceive him as a demon but what many may not come to terms with is the fact that he was already engineered and wired with the software that would make him a marital terrorist.
Some are able to overcome this dysfunctionality either through providence, faith or taking personal responsibility but not many are able to unless there is an intervention which usually happens when the deed is done.
Our capacity to spot an accidental spouse from afar is dependent on our personal wholeness because it takes a whole person to spot such unfortunately broken people attracts themselves and eventually the marriage parks up when the two or one person is still adamant about getting help.
So when a marriage breaks down we often focus on what was done and we often look for someone to blame unfortunately this robs us of the ability to process why it happened and how we can pick the lessons in other to avoid a re-occurence.
I will be working with parents In the Out of the Box Parenting class for 2 days on the 14th and 15th of July, 2018 to build wholesome childen who grow up to become wholesome spouse themself. I hope you don’t miss that session.
Reach Motolani on 08108571139 to book your seat
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