Foundation is everything really and once foundation is messed up there is no structure that is built on it that can stand the test of time except that foundation is revisited. Unfortunately most couples I have worked with always try to work on the symptoms without fixing the fundamental issues responsible for their marital challenges. It has been said that communication is the bedrock of every relationship and the death of communication is the burial of a relationship.
We started looking at some of the factors responsible for communication problems in our relationships and we started looking at our upbringing and the role it has played in shaping our communication style. We have examined the authoritarian background can affect an adults ability to effectively communicate and relate and today we shall look at the other types of upbringing people usually have.
(b). Authoritative upbringing is the type where the parents understand what it takes to raise kids. They train their kids like eagles train eaglets by setting the limits and giving their children enough room to make mistakes and learn from their mistakes. They don’t just lay down the rules but they explain the reason for the rules and the benefits of following them as well as the consequences. As much as they feel they are responsible for their kids they also consider the kid’s point of views even when they don’t agree but they are willing allow the children air their views without any sense of fear.
They deploy warmth and love but it is controlled and firm. They allow independent mindedness but they set high standards and encourage the children to surpass the standards.
If you see anyone who speaks well and is balanced with communication that is a child from this background and it stems from the fact that the parents enjoy effective communication. They share a friendly atmosphere where there is nothing to hide and that is why kids from this background are very truthful and hardly hide their feelings because they are free at the realm of their minds to say whatever they want to say till a state of win-win is achieved.
(C) Permissive upbringing is a situation where parents indulge their children to a fault. In their bid to express love they tend towards another extreme where they don’t lead by example nor adequate discipline the kids where necessary such that grown ups from this background don’t expect to be questioned about their actions in their relationships. They detest accountability because they were brought up in an environment without rules from their parents. Do you know any adult who gets angry when a partner tries to make him accountable in a relationship? Or who gets angry and doesn’t feel the need to apologize for any wrong in a relationship then you are dealing with a child from a permissive background.
(d) Uninvolved upbringing is the final type of upbringing children have and kids from here are almost like neglected kids who becomes a victim of all forms of abuse. Parents here demand little or nothing from their kids thereby leaving the kids at the mercy of the media and the society. Children from here grow up as adults whose communication style is harsh and unpredictable. They can put up a fantastic attitude this minute that makes you love them but gets into fits of uncontrollable anger the next meeting that makes them repel people.
Our upbringing has affected many of us in so many ways that the battles we are fighting in our relationships today were background conditioning occasioned by the style of parenting we were exposed to.
How has your background affected your communication?
To be continued…