Hello Praise,
I must commend the way you respond to people’s issues on this page. I have been an ardent follower of your column and want to let you know that it is only God that can reward you. However, I have a bit of an issue with my wife because all I can say is that she has never been grateful for anything, instead she complains about my frequent travels. I don’t understand how she expects me to take care of the family if all I do is to stay at home. I risk everything to take adequate care of my family and buy her very expensive gifts that her mates can only dream of yet all I get is a sermon on how I neglect her and don’t spend time with her. Don’t you think she is being unreasonable?
Olatunde D. (Lagos)
In over 10 years of working on troubled marriages, I have not found a bigger impediment to communication in marriage as not understanding love languages.
Olatunde’s case above is not totally different from some of the cases I have handled before now and the simple question I always seek to find answers to is: ‘Did she ask you for gifts?’ There is nothing as frustrating as trying to love someone the wrong way or trying to speak French to an Hausa man who has got no knowledge of French. Until you read the user’s manual of your spouse and properly understand the person you are dealing with, you will keep throwing the wrong pass and wondering why you are not scoring the marital goal.
So far, we have examined 2 of the 5 love languages and today, I will take on the third love language:
C. Quality Time – One thing Olatunde failed to realize or one voice he hasn’t heard is the voice of his wife asking for attention in form of quality time. Every time you speak a wrong language to your spouse, even with a sincere intention or with a sacrifice, what he/she hears is ‘I hate you’. There is no point doing good things which are not right.
If I give you a brief to paint my house for my forthcoming birthday and you clean my house, plant new flowers, fix wall paintings and even buy the most expensive electronics without painting the house, at the end of the day, would you be expecting me to say thank you?
That is what happens when we try to love our spouses the way we want to do it. The platinum rule teaches us to treat people the way they want to be treated, which means you need to seek to understand them before seeking to be understood.
Are you married to a spouse who complains about your frequent trips?
Do you feel bad when she accuses you of not taking her out even when you actually did 2 months before?
Do you feel choked because he/she wants to go with you to every function?
Do you feel the need for fresh air and do you feel unhappy each time he/she wants you to do things together?
The good news is that you are married to a spouse whose way of receiving love is quality time and remember, it is not about the quantity of time; it is more about quality time. What you need to do is to maximize those moments when you are home with them. Never share them with your laptop or your smart phones. Turn off the television set and hold their hands as you express your love.
Go on a walk, travel with them when you can and even take sometime off work to be with them.
I know a CEO who tries to eat lunch with his wife daily to compensate for his frequent travels and the woman always glows because she feels a sense of belonging and honour.
Stop complaining about her lack of appreciation for your expensive gifts, convert that money to quality time with her and you’d realize you don’t actually need to spend so much. Your spouse is neither a prostitute nor a thing that must be used, so stop trying to buy their love. If her/his love language is quality time, then create that time and ensure you keep the communication lines open when you are not in town.
To be continued.