Home FEATURED None but me – Insecurity

None but me – Insecurity


I have decided to look at another factor destroying many wonderful relationships and I hope this blesses you.

She was so much in love with her hubby and theirs was a relationship made in heaven. They went everywhere together and she never one day imagined anything would ever be able to come in between them.

But all that changed when he hired a new secretary who really knows how to take care of her boss. Tosin is the dream secretary to any boss because she thoroughly understands her job and is a thorough bred professional. She took a lot of pressure off her boss and commended him all the time about his dexterity at what he does. Oga was too excited that he had gotten an efficient secretary for the first time that he started talking to madam about how good his new secretary was.

He didn’t see anything wrong with what he was doing, but it was the other way round for madam who became unnecessarily uncomfortable. She started monitoring her husband and made it a point of duty to visit his office at will even without his prior notice, trying to look for a way to nail her husband because she didn’t actually believe her husband wasn’t going out with Tosin.

Initially, Tosin didn’t really understand why madam started frequenting the office and interfering in their operations, but she remained courteous and nice all the same. Then there came a day that madam wished never happened. Oga was meant to go for a major meeting to close a deal and by the nature of the job, his secretary and one other executive were meant to be at the meeting billed for the conference room of a 4 star hotel in Lagos, Nigeria.

Oga informed madam about the meeting and she feigned excitement at her husband landing what was meant to be his greatest deal for that year. She managed to get the name of the hotel and wished him well.

It was about 6pm at the lobby of the hotel when all hell was let loose. Oga had just closed the deal and there was celebration all over the lobby. What was left was the signing of the contract papers. Oga was too carried away that he had just landed the greatest deal of his career that he didn’t know when he hugged Tosin, something he hadn’t done before then. Unfortunately for him, his wife didn’t really believe he was going to the hotel to sign the deal as she emerged out of nowhere and started a scene that destroyed the joy of the day.

She pounced on the secretary and started raining curses and all sorts of abuses on her. She didn’t stop at that, she insulted her husband publicly as well as other dignitaries present.

Of course, that was the end of the contract and the meeting for that day as the man didn’t just lose the contract, his secretary also resigned to work for their major competitor and that also signaled the end of his marriage of seven years.

She had done everything to appeal to the man to take her back to no avail and now she called in to ask for help. I am using her story by permission because it fits perfectly what I have in mind for us today.


Nothing takes away what is yours from you faster than insecurity. I have seen too many women lose their marriages to insecurity. As a matter of fact, I have seen too many mothers as well lose their children to the guy down the road as a result of insecurity.

Insecurity is an offshoot of unhealthy self-esteem and it has its root in one’s inability to trust others or the quest to be in control of someone or something such that you ultimately lose control.

It is the quest to control what is non-existent or beyond you. This usually gives rise to mentally initiated negative opinions and self generated problems which results in breach of trust, jealousy and suspicion.

Insecure people find it difficult to trust others and can’t share what they have with others. How many times have you felt chocked by the attitude of your partner? And how many of us actually feel right now that your spouse is becoming insecure at your association or competence?

Have you ever wondered why he doesn’t want you to go for another degree? Or ever asked yourself why she doesn’t want you to have a female secretary? Do you presently feel imprisoned at the fact that you are finding it so hard to speak freely because you are not sure of what his/her response would be?

Why would you want to follow your spouse to every function? Could it be love or insecurity? Do you feel very jealous when he is discussing with a professional colleague or when she is hanging out with a childhood friend?

A spouse that is battling with insecurity could ultimately lose everything if care is not taken, but beyond losing everything could destroy everyone around him/her.

Many a time we feel our spouse is the problem, but can you help me answer some of these questions:

–          How well do you maximize the strengths of your subordinates/team members at work without the fear of being perceived as incompetent?

–          Do you feel very happy if a new staff comes into an organization where you have been the star attraction for years and everyone seems drawn towards the new person?

–          Are you taking professional exams because of the quest to improve or because deep down you feel inferior to your colleagues who have become more qualified?

–          Can you spend time alone by yourself without thinking of others?

–          Do you ever get worried when your wife is trying to improve herself professionally?

–          Does it bother you when your spouse gets a harmless gift from a customer?

Insecure people feel the need to be the centre of attraction and it is based on emotional interpretation of one’s ability and a false assumption that one is not good enough no matter how hard you try.

An insecure person has no life because their life is wired around their object of attention such that they choke the person and resort to blackmail to get the person to retain their relationship.


Why are people insecure?

–          Upbringing – People  from a hostile or chaotic environment battle with insecurity.

–          Past experience – Experience of a major tragedy, heartbreak can also lead to insecurity.

–          Low self esteem – Poor self concept and body image.

–          Unrealistic expectations – Having a list of rules and expectations can also lead to insecurity.


Does the following look like what you believe?

–          My life is incomplete without my spouse

–          That other lady is better than me and may steal my husband from me

–          No matter how much I try, I can never be good enough

–          I am not really competent and not man enough because I can’t provide what my wife’s boss is providing for his family

–          I have failed before so there is no point trying

–          I need to quickly become pregnant for him lest I lose him

–          I am already 35 and will just go for any guy that comes my way

–          No one could ever respect or accept me. I am just out of sort

–          I can never collect money from my wife even if I am broke because I am the man

–          My wife will not respect me if I help her with kitchen chores.

Remember that insecurity is like a bad body odour that repels people and attracts no sensible person to you other than you such that you have what I call ‘selftocracy’, which is a government of yourself by yourself and for yourself, only to discover that you don’t even like yourself as well.


To be continued…

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