What could have happened to two lovebirds that everyone looked up to but suddenly woke up to declare they are no longer interested in marriage not minding their wonderful kids and everyone that looked up to them?
What on earth could have gone wrong with a 35year old marriage where they suddenly drifted apart and went into divorce? Why would a man who preaches to others and joins others in Holy matrimony go through a divorce?
Pain is something that is often too deep than words can sometimes expressed. Outsiders are often too quick to point at what is happening as against why and how it happened. Often times all we can see is what we can see when we are focused on the object but there is much more that we may never see until we soar to 40000 feet above the sea level where we can have an overall view of the same object and are open to what we may have overlooked before now.
People who go through divorce are not often bad people and it doesn’t also mean they don’t have the capacity to give or receive love however sometimes they alone can figure out the pain they feel in that relationship but we often times feel bad about whatever decision they take that they feel can give them peace without a sense of empathy.
Having observed over 35 marriages that crashed at close quarters & conducted several post marital sessions one of the first trend I quickly noticed was
1. ‘BENEFACTORISM’ – Among the 35 marriages I closely observed I noticed a trend among 18 of them which was the fact that they married folks who at best should have been mentees or employees and not spouses.
Have you seen situations where you just buy into someone that you should place on your Philanthropy list who on a good day you may never have been attracted to but for a skill or ability they displayed till proximity got you carried away and began to rationalize the need for marriage so that you can help them better without actually doing your due diligence to understand their teachability, work ethics, upbringing and relational skills.
Sometimes such people may change and get better faster as a mentee-mentor relationship as against a marital relationship where there is absolute familiarity. The interesting thing is that people can actually change for the better but often times the level of damage that talent has masked becomes only visible when the dotted lines have been signed then it becomes clear that this should never have been a marital relationship.
This can be fixed but both parties must be willing to interact with professional tools that can help. However. often times there can’t be sanity until the reset button to default mode is set. Unfortunately I have seen a few die here choosing to become a martyr while I have seen a few move out and gone ahead to find happiness elsewhere. The biggest issue here is that the big brother/sister keeps playing his role while the small brother/sister keeps feeling that his/her status has not been upgraded from the philanthropy to a co-owner.
One of the ways this can be resolved is for both parties to return to post marital counseling table and start afresh where critical issues are resolved and self- sabotaging patterns broken. Big brother or sister may need to mentally see the once upon a time mentee as a spouse while the once upon a mentee must also grow up but it is not often as simple as typed.
In 18 out of 35 marriages surveyed I found this clearly evident and one of them told me.
‘I was carried away by the need to assist him that I never saw the warning signs. We couldn’t strike any meaningful conversation in our 4years together and every effort to get him to improve himself was like taking him through the eye of the needle until the day he looked at me and said I should begin to submit whatever I make to him as my husband. This was a man I invested 7million in to improve his talent but nothing came out of it. I feel so sad and not proud of a divorce process but it was a wrong decision from the very begining and I should have just supported him without getting married to him. I am undergoing my healing process but I am at peace with myself’
In 14 out of the 19 cases both parties felt right and good with their decision to eventually call it quit and both felt it was a wrong decision from the very begining.
There is nothing wrong in getting married to a mentee but your beliefs and vision must align for you to have a blissful marriage. People are not necessarily bad but that they are good may not also necessarily translate to good marriage. Often times we feel called to assist or help someone but we forget that the help can happen on other platforms outside of marriage. Sometimes a mentoring relationship is all that is needed and other times a sponsorship may suffice and even a partnership may be a better deal as against committing your life to rescue someone that was never a fit for you.
A first world man may be good but not fit for a good third world woman which will take me to the second trend I noticed.
To be continued