This statement is so typically Nigerian (even though my brothers from the East might want to appropriate it). It may be followed by the words “my brother’ or if it is being said by my friend Emeka, then it could be followed by “my dear”! “My dear’ in this case is not a term of endearment, just the same way as “my brother’ does note connote any filial relationship between the speaker and the ‘speakee’! It is just an acknowledgement that you are the object of reference. It is also not gender-specific as Emeka would refer to you as ‘my dear’, whether you are male or female, young or obviously much older than him. No offense or affection is intended. He might just as well have said “it doesn’t worth it, biko”. The bottom line is that whatever the matter at hand is, the reward does not justify the accompanying stress. This phrase kept playing over and over in my head as I stood by the roadside in the hot Lusaka sun. My freshly shaved head (a new hairstyle I had decided upon that very afternoon on a whim) glistened from the attention of the sun on the generous oil the barber had applied to it. As I stretched out my hand one more time to hail what I hoped was a passing cab which just kept going, I thought one more time, “it really doesn’t worth it”!
How did I get to be in this rather uncomfortable situation, considering I had been having such a brilliant day up to that point? I had just come out of Chicago’s where I had taken my time to go through a rack of the most delicious ribs anywhere on the planet. This had been washed down with a couple of bottles of that Zambian institution, Mosi lager, and I was generally at peace with the world. I stepped out to take a cab back to my hotel from the Taxi rank and the fellow charged me 100 kwacha. This was about N2,500. I offered to pay 70 Kwacha (a fair price) and he insisted on 80. I got upset as I was sure he was trying to cheat me because my accent gave me away as a foreigner. So I refused to pay. I started walking away and he called after me: “pay 75, boss”. I was already too angry. I kept walking. I refused to look back. The 5 Kwacha difference was the equivalent of about N120 but I didn’t think it through. I had just spent over N3000 on lunch and I was now standing in the hot sun, getting what little brains I had left fried because of an inconsequential N120!
I knew this was totally unnecessary and another example of why I needed to work on my ‘short fuse’. As I stood there, I realized even a free ride to my hotel at this point wouldn’t make up for the stress I had put myself through. Was it worth the N120 I had wanted to save? Further introspection revealed the truth to me. It wasn’t about the money. It was more about my ego. I didn’t turn around and just get into the cab because my ego would be bruised. Instead of allowing that to happen, here I was in the hot sun, sweating ribs and Mosi, while the cab driver had probably picked another customer and had completely forgotten he ever met me! I made a silent note to my short-fused self: “as you go into 2021, lengthen your fuse”! No avoidable drama. No unnecessary grudges. If I say it’s a 9 and you say it’s a 6, no problem. To each his own. The aggravation is totally unbeneficial. Being right is not as important as being at peace. The more so when you really have nothing to prove.
There is so much needless grief we cause ourselves due to ego and uncontrolled anger. I have seen situations where lives were ruined permanently because of a fleeting moment of insanity brought on by anger. An inability to bite down on a tongue has cost many their jobs, opportunities, and marriages. Parents have beaten their own children to death. People have lost their lives because of the way they responded to an unintended slight. Friendships built over decades have been allowed to degenerate and die because of a minor disagreement that could have been resolved if one party had decided to ‘play the fool’ and value the friendship over the need to be right. I have seen people resigning from their jobs on the spur of the moment out of anger, without consideration for the fact that they had families to look after. I am not suggesting that we should not stand on principle when it is necessary to do so. That is good. What might be costly is reacting to a situation instead of responding to it only after due consideration. It doesn’t worth it, my dear.
I remember, as a much younger man, back in the days of perennial fuel scarcity around 1996 or so. I drove a demonized Peugeot 505 which had a singular mission in life and that was to frustrate me. It helped me to develop my prayer life back then as I had to go and lay hands on it and speak goodness and mercy into it in the morning before starting the day. Sometimes it listened and would be good and have mercy but most days, it tested my faith. On this particular morning, I had got information that the Total petrol Station on Toyin street had received a stock of fuel during the night so I rushed down to join the queue. I was about the 12th car outside the petrol station when they started selling. My car was taking quite a bit of cranking, begging and spiritual tongue-lashing to start. That was when I noticed this guy in a Toyota Corolla across the road. I saw he was watching me and waiting for the gate to open and for cars to start moving. I knew what he planned to do so I crossed over to him and politely warned him: “if the car in front of me moves and you cut into the space, I will ram into you”! And that is exactly what I did. After ruining both our vehicles, I went down and dragged him out through his car window, tearing a tendon in my little finger and leaving me unable to straighten that finger since that day. It really doesnt worth it, sometimes!
The Mayo Clinic offers tips on how to manage your anger and not put yourself in trouble. I found some particularly useful. They might not be as powerful as Jesus admonition to forgive 70 by 7 times but applying them could help save you a lot of grief. First, think before you speak. When tempers flare, it is easy to say what you don’t really mean. When your words are played back to you later, you might find it difficult to believe you actually uttered them. Take a deep breath and count to 10. You might still be able to enjoy a good dinner and a warm bed. And I can assure you, there are worse things in life than giving up the remote when your favourite team is about to play.
Use humour to defuse tension if you can. Avoid this if you are incapable of humour. Don’t be sarcastic as that might aggravate the situation. Just keep the mood light and look at the funny side of things. There is always a funny side to anything, once you are determined to see it. And finally, be willing to apologise if you are in the wrong and forgive if you are in the right. Nothing is gained by holding grudges. Someone once said holdin a grudge against someone is like drinking poison in the hope that the other person would die. Not very smart, and definitely, it doesn’t worth it!!!